let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
