i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
