Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
