Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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