you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
