Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
