I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
