do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
