I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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