I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
