Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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