listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
