he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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