I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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