it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
