ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
