its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
