please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize