I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We're too hungover to prance.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
