remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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