wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
whose parrot is this?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
His nipple licking is glorious
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