Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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