last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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