drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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