Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
