I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
