So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
