Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The Olympian is in my bed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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