how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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