I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
