I showed him my bush... on skype.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize