Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
