He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
