I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
