i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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