I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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