the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
