I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
