yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Two words: blizzard sex
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
