I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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