I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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