i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
