I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize