whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
