Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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