if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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