No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm just crazy horny about you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
