I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
