im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
