Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
