you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
