My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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