sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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