Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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