I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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