The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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