Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Damn victory sex feels great
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